Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
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Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Brands during Pride
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
reminder
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
PLOT TWIST:
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars