I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
You Might Also Like
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Happy Caturday!
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Chicago sounds lovely.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.