I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
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Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what