a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
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COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*