Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
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Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”