ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
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*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.