“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Oh we’ve met.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Xylophonist Shredding It
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”