Love it! 馃憤馃槀
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Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you鈥檝e ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
How I like cutting carbs
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber 拢1*
I don鈥檛 get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don鈥檛 have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He鈥檚 not ignoring your text, he鈥檚 sounding it out. Give him a second.
When I鈥檓 washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it鈥檚 so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Friend: I鈥檝e been so productive lately! Today I鈥檓 gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That鈥檚 awesome. I鈥檓 gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
i鈥檒l never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: 鈥aybe call the horses?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Why don鈥檛 you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let鈥檚 throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what