I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
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About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?