Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
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I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Time heals everything 🙂
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)