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I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Thank you corporation very cool
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.