Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
You Might Also Like
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
normalize having existential bread
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window