i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
You Might Also Like
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
We’ve all been there…
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude