One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Love it! 👍😂
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
But is it really??
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up