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“ScoobyDoo”
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ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
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My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.