I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
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Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
My birthstone is kidney
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.