I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
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[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.