*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
ugh not again
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.