cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
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I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*