I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
when someone compliments me
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”