Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
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WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
real
New Tinder profile.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own