Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
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*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Yoga Matt
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.