There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator