[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
socratic questions
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options