One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
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I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
why no one uses midhusbands
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*