Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
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GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
bugs when you lift up a rock
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.