When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
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When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Möther may I have a snäck
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*