Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
You Might Also Like
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.