I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?