Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
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DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?