Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.