“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.