COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
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My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
This will never not be funny 😭
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.