My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
The news
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.