ATMs should have breathalyzers
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People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.