This line from Airplane.
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Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend