I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
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Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Me in tagged photos
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Doctors texting each other.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀