Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
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My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.