daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.