[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
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Tier 3 meme
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.