Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I’m having an out of money experience.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.