*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
An odd boast
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*