Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row