Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.