You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
drew a comic about my origin story
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet