Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
🙁
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub