Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
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Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
…..pretty much.