Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
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They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
who named him groot and not spruce lee
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
🙁
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
the three branches of government
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.