Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
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Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.