AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
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The second world war should have been called world war returns
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Uh oh…
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Put this video in the Louvre
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.